Unhinged Woman Stops Pleasing & Starts Serving
Reveling in chaos, savoring confusion, and not smiling for anyone else's sake
I often use the word “unhinged” to describe the radically authentic nature of the offerings that I create and the expressions that I embody. I feel the word itself vibrating with intriguing energy. Being unhinged means blasting open the field of permission to break patterns, be messy, try things on and take things off.
Some things we know to be true about hinges: They fold and unfold in a predictable way, they keep whatever’s being hinged tightly coupled together, and they require some outside force in order to expand and contract. If being hinged in life implies structure, routine and control, then being unhinged implies chaos, confusion and lack of control. Society promotes the former in all aspects of life. Personally, I’m a fan of the latter.
I am drawn to chaos because it means that I’m swimming in the realm of all possibilities.
I am compelled by confusion because it affirms that I am most definitely alive, in the midst of transformation, and in the inquiry of what’s coming next.
A spiritual teacher of mine, Shachar Caspi, says that “Confusion is better than conclusion”. Over the years, I’ve come to believe him. Having my mind made up leaves me open to disappointment when things inevitably change. Not drawing any conclusions leaves me open to being surprised instead.
In my pursuit of reclaiming the word “unhinged”, I researched the actual definition. Merriam-Webster says an unhinged person is “highly disturbed, unstable, or distraught”. At first glance, those qualities are troubling and undesirable. I feel resistance in my body, which compels me to dig deeper…
Resistance is a sign that there is some stuck energy that is ready to be moved, and curiosity has the gentle strength to move it. I’ve learned to love the feeling of resistance because it tells me that I’m up to something important.
So, I leaned in and double-clicked on the definition. Oxford dictionary says that to be “unstable” is to be “likely to change or fail”, to be “distraught” is to be “deeply upset or agitated”, and to be “disturbed” is to “have had its normal pattern or function disrupted”. Well as it turns out, these are all qualities that I love about myself.
I am unstable. I allow myself to change in radical ways and welcome the unpredictable nature of growth. I am a self-identified professional beginner. I am unafraid to fail.
I am distraught. I allow myself to feel everything, including deep grief and emotional pain. Being truly present with my direct experience is vulnerable, and it often feels agitating and distressing. I choose to breathe through discomfort rather than numb or distract myself.
I am disturbed. I make a point to defy societal norms and break personal patterns. Life is simply more interesting, engaging and fun that way.
So yes, I am most definitely unhinged!
I allow my soul to expand and contract in its natural way, without any interference or desire for it to be different. I act on whatever truth is vibrating in me by making firm decisions, and sometimes firmly changing my mind. I behave in ways that bring me authentic pleasure, joy, clarity, and alignment with my personal values.
Being unhinged is messy, vibrant, enlivening and absolutely magnetic.
Being unhinged is also the opposite of people pleasing.
People pleasing means going against one’s own highest pleasure in order to meet someone else’s expectations, desires or needs. It is a deeply engrained pattern that has been inherited over many generations (especially by women) as a safety mechanism. Being needed by others is a way to secure a sense of belonging in a tribe or community. It would be a great survival strategy if it didn’t drain the life force energy from everyone involved.
People pleasing is a form of resistance to the fear of alienation. Read that again.
When we go against ourselves to please others, it’s like grasping on tight to the hinge of what people think of us, and that is exhausting work! Going against ourselves to please another person is a disservice to our Self and to them.
The ethos that I operate by is this: I am not responsible for another' person’s discomfort. I am only responsible for communicating my truth with compassion.
How someone receives me is none of my business. If they are disappointed because I didn’t meet their expectations, that’s their journey. If they are upset because I changed my mind, that’s their journey. I trust that on the other side of discomfort is more growth, more expansion, more of life.
So who am I to rob someone of the opportunity to experience their own resistance? Who am I to insulate them from the gift of discomfort? I’ve given up trying to play God a long time ago.
Acting in accordance with our own needs and desires, regardless of how we are received by others, is like unhinging ourselves into a pool of life-giving energy where everything tends to work out.
Fair warning: Dropping the people-pleaser-mask is a polarizing act. It will create new depths of intimacy in certain relationships, and it will end others. Every relationship will be put to the test of “Do you love me unconditionally, or only because of how I serve you?”. People will naturally filter themselves out of your energetic sphere, and that is a gift!
A beloved mentor, Arynn Dvir, supported me to release my people pleasing tendencies. She told me to “care, not carry”, when it comes to other peoples’ experiences. To meet others with love and compassion without attempting to insulate them from their own experience.
Accepting another person’s discomfort requires that we first accept our own. This is a profound journey in and of itself.
The beauty in letting go of other peoples’ experiences is that it frees up so much energy to actually show up in service to others. There are no more relational leaks to constantly plug and upkeep. There is no more fear that the truth will hurt someone’s feelings. Instead, there is a deep sense of inner peace, confidence, and intuitive discernment to enjoy.
People trust authenticity. Being exactly how we are allows others to be exactly how they are. No masks, no trying, no grasping for comfort or connection. The vibration of realness is soothing to the nervous system. It allows us to relax into the present moment. When we’re not busy people pleasing, we have the sustainable energy to show up and do good work in pursuit of the collective well being.
Healing from people pleasing is a challenging and rewarding journey that is best taken alongside others. There are boundaries to be established, new relational dynamics to be navigated, and nervous system regulation tools to be acquired. The healing journey necessitates a safe environment to experiment with radically new ways of being and communicating…
If you’re looking for a safe space to let yourself off of the hinge, I’d love to hear from you! Reach out to learn more about my offerings (group work, workshops, trainings, private sessions, etc). I’m currently based in San Francisco. You can find out more on my website:
I'm the poster-child people pleaser, but I can still change. Thanks for an inspiring perspective.
Love this Jules. So inspiring.